think outside the cycle - dealing with addiction

How to teach myself to evolve from here in a different way than the last 12 years, it's the only way to open up just the possibility of a path to a better life. perhaps it's why i am here online now.
why blog? fuck knows... cos everyone else is, high chance i'm the only one that'll read it...

today, realisation that i have been caught again in the shit cycle of addiction, and that it might be possible to beat my demons...properly this time.
priceless, really

well it's a relief to come around again. had to get propa high to realise it, pity cos i don't like it anymore, but it was that or get all morbid and i don't know that you can blog once you've done yourself in or just gone to bed all moody and 'why me'. maybe.
so i am sick of this cycle. its gotta be the 3rd proper realisation but i must have gone around a few extra laps cause I'm looking a bit older but i don't feel much wiser. pity. I'm not old, not that young either. sounds about right.

the past arrangement i have with substances is really really starting to get to me.

i suppose the - try everything once and if you like it repeat it -mantra , could have been reworded a few years ago. hindsight is ah... well it's just hindsight.

My thoughtful soul, my lucky gifts , imagination and creativity, true feelings, love, lust, passions and interests, motivation, energy what happened where'd they go are the thoughts real or just auto-robot now? they just slipped away, and i couldn't see it happening. well i hope you come back, i really do, or what will be left of me? just a pocket dictionary of words, some bits and bobs i read elsewhere, a few things i thought up myself, and the useful and automatic functions of the brain, how fascinating.
when i was a bit younger I thought you took some microdots , fat freddies, mushies, what-have-you and they opened your mind, over and over, but everything is equal, so I must've closed a lot of channels. i thought i'd try downers once... imagine being aloud to go back to your favourite dream whenever you want, or the feeling of being home (really home like you never new it could be this homely) again, it's very addictive.... or perhaps stay awake for a few years and then you just think the same thing over and over, not realising you are being left in the wake of your peers, thinking hard about nothing, and its getting hard for anyone else to see where you've gone or going or why you are going that way. it's cloudy everywhere but the only thing that clears that film, it is the very thing that muddies your vision,
so you keep going, until if you are lucky, suddenly you can see yourself from the outside in, like for me today, and you realise your going in circles cycles, the same one,over and over and over, substance used irrelevant, cycle pattern and effect on mind, identical.

so for the first time in ages i have ummed ahhed and written and rewritten then finally gathered my nerves, push myself to do some mind work and it's above. and i already feel a lil' better so already things are changing, now just gotta keep fucking up my rotation tricky, tricky, and speak the truth and hopefully leave the cycle in my wake.

It's time to get rid of this monobrain, and get it working. I am blogging it because even if no-one reads it, i've put it out there and so it exists. outhere in cyberspace.

i'd say that i am at the edge of reason now. i need a plan. so i've written a few things down on paper, but i think i will dream on it.

'now your more fucked than me mate' she said

there's a powerful notion
that i've not kept in mind
that the cycle I've chosen is going round
and around
endlessly
i got caught
unravelled
caught, and escaped, again
and again
once and for all
it could take me down or
i could take a moment
it's the persistence and timing i can't understand

big bad world?
mad anyway
i find it hard to take
that now my words once so mindful and clear are so hard to free
stubborn in release
that pen used to feel so good in my palm no matter how bad i felt
shaking with anticipation of the fire i could let out,
let burn out
clean,
ash,
gone
then get on
move on
energy
yes
now, i look forward to sleep and the dreams
just to see the words whizz by, full throttle
ahead
faster than i can write it seems
dreams where i write the very thoughts i can't express awake,
the stories i want to read and tell,
be told
but when i wake up they're so far out of reach
seemingly untouchable
closer today, i sense